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Jim Turner - April 5, 2006
Imagine if you a will a group of young upstarts bolstered by some fresh talent, rising up to challenge and eventually vanquish the smug team of rich kids who always win. Sounds like the type of story that would make a good movie, doesn't it? In fact, that's a common formula for many sports movies: Amanda Whurlitzer and Kelly Leak join the Bad News Bears, Charlie Sheen's Rick Vaughn gets glasses and newfound control of the strike zone in Major League, even the Mighty Ducks got a boost from that kid from Dawson's Creek.
So it is with the 2006 Blue Jays, who already have the group of young upstarts and bolstered that with plenty of talent over the offseason. Now they will try to beat those smug rich kids, otherwise known as the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees.
It'll make a great story if they can pull it off, one worthy of the silver screen. Of course, the new guys could get hurt, or play below expectations, and the team could finish out of contention - and who wants to watch that? So better to pitch this project at the beginning of the season.
Now, it's simply a matter of figuring out which ensemble cast will play the Big Blue Flock. Here are some humble suggestions.
2006 Jays: The Movie
Starring
Michael Imperioli as GM J.P. Ricciardi - Star of The Sopranos and virtually anything else mob-related. Quantrill and Izturis for Prokopec and Ricketts? Fuggetaboudit.
Will Patton as Manager John Gibbons - True, Patton isn't exactly a dead-ringer for Gibbons, and we'll have to do something about the hair - but he does have experience playing a coach in "Remember the Titans," and he has the southern drawl to make Gibby proud.
Alfred Molina as C Bengie Molina - I know what you're thinking, how will a 53-year-old character actor from London play a 30-year-old Hispanic catcher? I smell Oscar. Too Many Molinas? No such thing.
Michael Rapaport as 1B Lyle Overbay - This role calls for tall and blond, and Rapaport fits the bill nicely.
Matthew Lillard as 2B Aaron Hill - So memorable as Shaggy in "Scooby Doo," Lillard and Hill both have experience playing second fiddle to dogs, Scooby and O, respectively.
Joaquin Phoenix as 3B Troy Glaus - Phoenix goes from "Walk the Line" to Guard the Line as the Jays new slugging third baseman.
Robert Sean Leonard as SS Russ Adams - You many remember him from such films "Dead Poets Society" and "Swing Kids" - well, maybe not "Swing Kids."
Shane McMahon as LF Frank Catalanotto - World Wrestling Entertainment heir McMahon is no stranger to acting in front of a live crowd, so the transition to film should be no problem.
Vin Diesel as CF Vernon Wells - The muscular action hero is the perfect choice to play the Jays powerful centre fielder.
Clancy Brown as RF Eric Hinske - The versatile character actor and star of "Highlander" takes on the role of the versatile Hinske, who has played third base, first base and now right field. Brown is pushing 50, and might require a "Stunt Hinske" for action shots.
Dennis Quaid as DH Shea Hillenbrand - Just a quick buzzcut, and Quaid - who showed he has baseball chops playing overage rookie Jim Morris in "The Rookie" - can step right into Shea's shoes.
Robert Patrick as C Gregg Zaun - How fitting that the virtually indestructible Zaun be played by a Terminator.
Gary Oldman as LF Reed Johnson - To be specific, this would be Gary Oldman as Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg from "The Fifth Element" as Reed Johnson. The consummate method actor, expect Oldman to lock himself in a batting cage for a week and take pitches off various parts of his body to prepare for the role.
Coby Bell as RF Alex Rios - The "Third Watch" star brings just the right mix of youth and height to play the Jays right fielder.
Stefan Brogren as P Roy Halladay - A Canadian makes the cast, as the former star of "Degrassi Junior High" suits up to play the Doc.
Jamie Campbell as A.J. Burnett - It's the dream part for Jays' broadcaster Campbell, who brings just the right hair to the role. Plus he can double as a technical consultant
Colin Farrell as P Ted Lilly - A pitcher looking to bounce back played by an actor looking to bounce back. Did you see "Alexander?" Neither did anyone else.
Laurence Fishburne as P Gustavo Chacin - Fishburne once again dons his Morpheus glasses and scalp to bring Chacin to the big screen. Can also use the Matrix line "Stop trying to hit me, and hit me" to taunt opposing batters.
Rob Schneider as P Josh Towers - Schneider survived two Deuce Bigalow movies in much the same way that Towers survived two seasons in Baltimore. Noted thespian Schneider brings his experience from "Benchwarmers" to the role of the Jays' 5th starter.
Butters as P Jason Frasor - Hmmm. Between Farrell, Phoenix, Fishburne and Diesel, we're running a little over budget at this point. So lesser roles, like the back end of the bullpen will have to be filled in a more cost effective manner. Animated characters worked wonderfully in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" so why not here? South Park star Butters gets the call for Jason Frasor.
Snake as P Vinnie Chulk - Scruffy Simpons convict plays scruffy Jays groundball-inducing reliever.
Gary Sinise as P Scott Schoeneweis - Both Sinise and Schoenweis have played a variety of different roles in their careers. Schoenweis' work as a starter is kind of like that of Sinise in "Reindeer Games" - forgettable.
Quagmire as P Scott Downs - The bullpen gets more animated. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!
Jeff Bridges as P B.J. Ryan - He has the general look, but the star "Sea Biscuit" and "The Big Lebowski" will probably have to go on the Cecil Fielder diet in order to play the Jays' 260 lb closer.
Some parts still need to be filled in order to round out the cast, including:
This is where we turn to our loyal readers. If you know who should play these roles, or have a better idea for those already mentioned, send us an email with your suggestion and a picture of your choice. The best ones will be posted as we try to complete the cast.
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